"When I got here, the bank was a time bomb. We had £700 billion of banking assets and £300 billion of wholesale funding, half of which was short-term with an average tenor of two months. The bank was in danger of going bankrupt"

Poor millionaires!

The Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has started his incumbency with a bang – or should that be, a bank.

On June 12, RBS announced the impending departure of chief executive Stephen Hester almost five years after he took on the job of restructuring a bank that had collapsed into 82% state ownership. The press release on the bank’s website, mimicking news items on conventional wire services and daily newspaper sites, invites comment beneath the official platitudes. Is this a new approach?

The IPO market in China has been variously described as dormant, slow or just plain dull. With respect to one IPO that got shelved last month, you might say hibernation was a more appropriate term. Fujian Guizhentang Pharmaceutical pulled its planned IPO after a public outcry over its seemingly utterly disgusting business of bear-bile extraction.

Nobody panic. OK? That is no mere suggestion. Rather, it is strong advice to reporters straight from the propaganda department of the Chinese Communist Party. Directives from Beijing recently told bemused hacks, who mistakenly thought it was their job to just report stuff that was actually happening, that they should stop “hyping the so-called cash crunch” and instead spread the message that the country’s markets are well stocked with money.

BrewDog, probably the most ridiculous name for a beer-brewing company in the world, is retapping a particularly liquid source of funding.

"If you think I’ve got someone peeling grapes for me and popping them in my mouth, then you’re sadly mistaken"

"Corporates that issue hybrids get part equity treatment which enables their senior bonds to get a higher rating or for their rating to be protected. But another way of looking at it is that the corporate now has more debt so the probability of default is higher. This is a ratings and rules arbitrage. If you are going to play in this market you had better understand the motivations behind that arbitrage"

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, or DSK as he likes to style himself, has made an unusual comeback to the economic scene. After a two-year hiatus following charges of sexual assault in a swanky New York hotel room, Strauss-Kahn has decided to take things back to basics. In South Sudan.

Worrying news from the world of academia: a professor at Warwick Business School has found that some investors refer to stocks 'almost as if they were lovers'.

"Investors are puking all over that deal"

At the Chelsea Flower Show in London last month, the floral displays were not the only brilliant thing catching the attention of throngs of visitors.

“Our funding costs will go up. But I’m quite happy to see that and our CDS spreads widen if that’s the price of demolishing the myth that we are dependent on state support” A eurozone bank CEO sees upside from the Cyprus depositor bail-in, although that’s easy to spot at a national champion bank

Engrossed in a book at the Frankfurt airport departure gate on a chilly March evening, Euromoney found ourselves the last passenger called to the BA flight back to London.

Euromoney prides itself on having international reach, but it seems that there is one corner of the world that our reputation hasn’t stretched to. On a recent trip to South Sudan, the world’s newest country, a senior bank official at a local bank branch in Juba misinterpreted Euromoney’s request for an interview on the growth of the banking system there.

“We are going to go armed and we will get this fucking money”

Hedge funds are a curious bunch. Take Dromeus Capital Group, which last November trumpeted the launch of its Greek-focused hedge fund, Dromeus Greek Advantage Fund, to bet on the recovery of Greek assets.

Among several strange press releases received by Euromoney this month, one stood out. It posed the important question: “Can cocaine really be to blame for the recent financial crisis?” The release, put out by the soppily named Love PR, is a response to controversial Imperial College professor David Nutt’s recent assertion that cocaine use makes bankers “overconfident”, leading them to take greater and unnecessary risks. Now, we’re no experts, but anecdotal evidence suggests this is indeed the case.

Christopher Laskowski is a busy man. He was recently appointed head of corporate and investment banking for Citi in Hong Kong. In this role he will cover Hong Kong-based clients and the Hong Kong investment banking team will report to him. He will also continue to head the Asia-Pacific private equity advisory practice known as the Alternative Assets Group and be the chief operating officer of the corporate and investment bank for the region.

For some of the highest returns around, the best bet is to invest in weed. Seattle-based firm Privateer Holdings is a private equity fund investing in industries that derive their business from medical marijuana.

The prize for strangest interview of the month goes to television-friendly Malaysian serial chief executive and football chairman Tony Fernandes. The founder of AirAsia and chairman of English Premier League club Queens Park Rangers turned up for his interview with Euromoney an hour late, with no socks on, carrying a plastic bag and wearing a T-shirt that he might well have slept in.

As central banks show little sign of turning off the liquidity taps, the markets are getting used to the idea that interest rates will be lower for longer.

“They needed a good kick up the backside” Tony Fernandes, CEO of Air Asia, on the post-crisis banking industry

“When you are getting 6% in high yield, something somewhere has gone horribly wrong” An investor doesn’t like what he sees in credit

Someone always benefits from a crisis. And in the crisis-torn world of banking, the PR community is having a busy old time of it. Few, perhaps, are as busy as Giovanni Sanfelice of the London office of Barabino and Partners.

"[Gallic shrug with arms fully extended to the side and look of bemusement and disdain]"

"We are trying to actualize a market that has been very much talked about but primarily theoretical"

Euromoney’s private banking awards dinner, held on February 21 at Plaisterers Hall in London, celebrated not only this year’s winners but also 10 years of the survey.

Euromoney is never shy about trumpeting a good cause in the name of revivalist capitalism, so this month we bring you the Hellenic Entrepreneurship Award (HEA).