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JANUARY
SoftBank chief executive Masayoshi Son declares 2019 the “Year of the fee” and invites banks to an everlasting pitch.
“Our goal is to be the number-one fee payer to banks in the world and also the universe,” says Son. “We have at least $1 billion to hand out this year – let’s call it $5 billion – and the Japan telecom IPO is just the start. Uber is up next, then WeWork, which by our own internal robot valuation is now worth at least $50 billion, or maybe $500 billion.
“Of course, we have to set some ground rules for the ever-lasting pitch,” he adds. “Obviously nobody can mention the Saudis, but we must also insist that no Wall Street analysts question the way we drive up valuations for our tech portfolio companies. Remember: we are all in this together!”
FEBRUARY
Bank of America’s new investment bank head, Matthew Koder, unveils his plan to win back lost deal-making market share.
“We are all going to do one-armed push-ups at the start of every client meeting to show what a lean, mean deal machine we have here at BofA,” says Koder.
