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January
Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein tweets news that the firm will auction the opportunity to host its post-Brexit European Union headquarters site to the highest bidder.
“If Amazon can generate a bidding war for its second US business hub, I think we can sell the rights to host a few hundred bankers to some lucky European city,” says Blankfein.
“We are just like any other fast-moving technology company, except for the revenue growth, obviously. And now that I don’t have to worry about Gary Cohn breathing down my neck, I aim to spend most of my time wandering around our different European offices in my socks, posting occasional tweets. All staff should feel free to do the same – once they have completed 15 hours at their desks and started making some proper money again, that is.”
February
President Donald Trump unveils a reshuffle of his key economic advisers. “Gary Cohn is going to become the White House majordomo, which is a word I just made up, it’s like a butler but much, much better,” says Trump.
