Sideways: The chairman emails, part II
Following news that Barclays chief executive Jes Staley and Bank of England governor Mark Carney were fooled by spoof emails purporting to come from their chairmen, Euromoney’s Jon Macaskill has uncovered more misleading messages from the top.
John Cryan, Deutsche Bank
Johann: Good news! I am close to a final deal with Joe Ackermann and Anshu Jain over the return of some compensation to put towards the billions we had to pay in fines for malpractice when they were in charge.
Jürgen Fitschen also offered to pitch in but it turns out all he owns is some Deutsche Bank stock options that exercise at €30. Loser!
Anshu had an interesting idea for his clawback to be a co-investment in a structured credit trade tied to a reference basket of Softbank Vision Fund tech stocks. Apparently, we could make much more than he is willing to pay in cash, but I’ll leave the final call on that to you.
Joe just said he would match whatever we get out of Anshu. He’s a good guy – even if he is Swiss.
Incidentally, Ann-Kristin suggested we celebrate by having you down to the Krafthaus in Munich so we can introduce you to the other DAX chairmen of the board.
She said as we will be in traditional lederhosen and dirndl garb, you might want to dress as an English butler, but it’s entirely up to you – there is nothing more informal than a secret gathering of top German corporate executives, as you know.
Subject: Au voleur!
JL, Can you add to your executive summary of the $350 million payment to the New York DFS over FX misconduct? The full consent order describes the way our sales people used a “voleur meter” to calculate how much they could squeeze from clients with misleading prices.
My questions are these: did you dial the voleur meter up in order generate the very impressive Q1 earnings numbers we just announced? If so, can we keep the meter at 11 for the next few quarters? And why don’t you tell the dealers to stick to French when they are engaged in parameter optimisation in chatrooms?
I very much doubt our Anglo-Saxon friends in the DFS would be able to form a view on a chat conducted entirely in a foreign language.
(via Google Translate)
Stuart Gulliver, HSBC
Subject: And now, the end is near...
Laddie, I’ve watched your back since that glorious morning when we got Mike Geoghegan in a headlock and managed to throw him down the laundry chute. I never thought he’d be so heavy!
I know Mark Tucker isn’t due to start as chairman until September, but I thought I’d better let you know he has already replaced the rugby memorabilia in my office with football shirts signed by most of the members of the Barnet side that narrowly avoided relegation from the Alliance Premier League in 1980.
I’ve been around long enough to know that this may mean you won’t get to resign on schedule at the end of next year.
Not that you care, obviously, but fyi.
See you at the Sevens – whoever sponsors them from here on in.
Jamie Dimon, JP Morgan
Subject: Keep it simple!
Note to self: as both chairman and chief executive, I don’t have anyone to use as a sounding board, but here are some thoughts after a meeting as head of Trump’s advisory council.
1 – Keep it simple. The guy is an idiot but he does what I say if I keep it down to a few words. “Forget about Dodd-Frank” might have been a bit confusing for him though, I need to make it clear we’re fine as it is.
2 – Keep everything simple. You can use the same tack with everyone – analysts, staff, whoever. “JPMorgan rules” is all they need to know.