I am a rebel. Non-conformity is my middle name. So perhaps it is not surprising that four separate sources sent me the UBS corporate wear dress guide for women and men. This 50-page document is targeted at employees in the Swiss retail branches such as reception staff, “event attendants, security staff and all personnel working in Limousine Service”. Note to Ossie Grübel: why haven’t you sacked all your limousine staff? We are living in an age of the new frugal, and last time I looked UBS wasn’t paying a dividend to its shareholders. Anyway, these guidelines proved to be the comedy highlight of a dreary December. And I must reprimand a humourless reader who sent me the document with the haughty message: “I cannot understand why UBS is still wasting money on such rubbish.”
The author of the guidelines assumes an audience with the intelligence quotient of a hamster. A nugget on neckwear states: “You must always undo the knots after wearing neckerchief so that the material can recover its shape. If necessary, you can lightly press it (no 1 on your iron).” Another extract insists: “Never wear shoes that are too small for your feet – there is nothing worse than a painful smile.” And then there is my personal favourite in the section on colognes and deodorants: “A pleasant encounter with another person can only come about if the message received by your nose does not put you off.” All in all, a priceless late Christmas present: beg, borrow or steal a copy!
The new generation of UK bank CEOs
Rage against the bankers
Current conditions at Credit Suisse
UBS corporate wear dress guide
Abigail's people of 2010
How was your month? Please send news and views to Abigail@euromoney.com.
