Hillboot Intergalactic PLC,
Investment Bankers,
Black Hole House, London EC2 thru 14
Dear Mr Goneril: I enjoyed our meeting and was interested in your ideas about the People’s Mutual Stores. I can see that, after the building societies and the life offices, “The Mute” could be the one to crack or, as you wittily put it, rip off! It would require innovative techniques, but at Hillboot these are our speciality. As my old chief at Morgan Grenfell used to say: “People say we break the rules, I say we innovate.” I look forward to hearing from you. Yours very truly, P M de C BUCKETT
Dear Mr Goneril: Thank you for your formal letter of instruction. I confirm that Hillboot will be pleased to act for you. We shall need more information on the Mute, such as what it owns, and who owns it, so we hope that you can activate your informal contacts. By the way, our own meter will start ticking from tonight, but there should be enough money in this deal for everyone. Yours sincerely, PEREGRINE BUCKETT
PS: Everybody calls me Holey.
Dear Anthony: Many thanks for the documents, they were most helpful. What dull board meetings they must have at the Mute. There does seem to be a billion pounds of value locked away in there, and we must build you up as someone who could propose a £1 billion deal with a straight face. Start dripping favourable mentions in the Sunday papers. Luckily the right man to do this has come free and you should take him on. Yours ever, HOLEY BUCKETT
Dear Anthony: That was a good lunch at the Dealmakers’ Arms and I hope you could do some work afterwards! I’m sorry our parent bank’s resident vice-president couldn’t be with us, but he’s off on his travels again. Just now he’s in Sapporo trying to buy a small Japanese bank before it disappears altogether. Keep up the good work. Best wishes, HOLEY
Dear Anthony: Progress. We now have a vehicle with an impressive label and also a shell company with a suspended Stock Exchange quotation – I can keep the listing department off your back for now but not for ever. The next thing is to get some more supporters. I thought of Hambros, Schroders, Nomura and the Banca d’Esportatori dell’Olio d’Olive. Yours, HOLEY
Dear Ant: That last pile of boxes was quite something, I can’t think how they all fitted into your car. I remember that pub from the old days – they would always find you a room and weren’t fussy about the register. What do you suppose all those directors do when they’re not having board meetings? That chap Behemoth sounds like a real banger-on. Yours ever, HOLEY
PS: I enclose a note of our fees to date.
Dear Anthony: Yes, I know it sounds like a lot of money, but you really can’t expect to do things on the cheap. You should see what the lawyers and accountants charge. In fact, you soon will. Stand by for due diligence and tell yourself it’s going to be worth it. Yours sincerely, HOLEY BUCKETT
Dear Anthony: Many thanks for the post-dated cheque. I see the position. As our tame eagle at Keats & Shelley pointed out to us, we’re really trying to buy the Mute with its own money but we’re not meant to say so – it might be illegal. Our resident v-p faxes me from Moscow to say that he looks forward to meeting you if he gets back. Still, when the cat’s away, eh? And vice versa? Yours, HOLEY
Dear Ant: Tell your mole at the Mute not to worry. There are always people hanging around with cameras these days. They were probably tourists. Still, you must remember to look after him when it’s all over, if not sooner. The Sundays gave you a good splash, I thought – these things help when it comes to the roadshows – and I enjoyed that joke in the FT about your shy and retiring nature. All the best, HOLEY
Hey, Ant, can you believe it? Behemoth reads the papers! He writes to me saying he wishes to know whether our intentions are honourable. He even says if we continue to advise you, he takes the Mute’s business away. I ask you: is that a threat or a promise? So I tell him we are acting in the best traditions of the City, and if he wants a golden handshake he is going the wrong way about it. I see he’s fired your chum. Tough that. Yours HOLEY
Ant, old boy, in haste to confirm that we now have all our ducks in a row.
D-Day’s Friday. Keats & Shelley will send the declarations round for you to sign, so don’t waste too much time poring over them. Don’t worry about the printers’ bills or the postage, either. Guess who’ll pay them. Keep your pecker up. As ever, HOLEY
Dear Ant: I don’t quite know what to say. This is the first time I ever had an offer document returned to me stamped “Fumigated but unread”. Rude really. We shall have to go over old Behemoth’s head to his members, and tell them that only their board’s obstinacy stands between them and a windfall cheque. We must hope that the judge doesn’t put a spoke in our wheel. Best wishes, HOLEY
Dear Anthony: We’ve had this rather disturbing letter from Behemoth. He wants to know if we knew what his employee was doing. He also raises questions about commission payments in the Virgin Islands. Unless you can enable us to give a satisfactory reply, we may have to reconsider our position. I suspect that other houses and firms in the City may have the same difficulty, since I learn that Behemoth has been writing to them, too. Yours sincerely, HOLEY BUCKETT
Dear Mr Behemoth: I am writing to you about our involvement in the failed bid for your organization. I had no idea what was going on here, and now I’ve found out, I’m jolly upset. It won’t happen again. I offer you my and Hillboot’s unreserved apologies. Will this do? Yours ever,
[Herbie – I thought it might be easier if this letter came from you. holey]
I tell Holey next time he can go to Sapporo and Moscow, by Aeroflot, in zoo class, with a one way ticket for all I care, much love from
Your unco-operative son
Herbie is bugged by Control Risks and Christopher Fildes
