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JJ Ingersoll, our head of global focus, looks distraught. I walk into his office where the NFL playoffs dominate his 25 screen info-revolution wall. “Are you running a book on this?” I ask, looking at the spread on the score. JJ rolls his eyes, upwards and onwards, almost beating the elevator to the 85th floor. He passes me an immaculate ready-for-publication piece of paper, topped with the firm’s new logo, a harpsichord inside a US dollar sign, and its new global-slogan message, coined by our new head of global scansion, Kristina Onomatopeia-a-Stasis. I look at it: “Banking was founded on a bench in Renaissance Italy,” it reads. “Black Knight the art of banking. Call freefone 123-Glasso-Steagallo.” Beneath is a disclaimer:This message is not intended to sell you anything. Consult local regulators for details. Corporate headquarters in Delaware. “More of the same”, I comment. “No,” JJ hisses, “not that client crap the memo beneath.” The catchy new slogan and global-image-presence had taken my eye momentarily off the ball, or rather the memo from our chairman, Ace Iceberg, which reads: November 30, 1996. To all general and limited partners, and other liabilities. Subject: killing two birds with one club. It’s at this time of year that my usually excellent golf swing starts to seize up. You know why? I believe, and local golf pros corroborate my conclusions, that it’s because I spend so much of the month of November signing bonus checks. This is not good for my wrist, and causes a slicing action to develop. While my golfing partners appear to have got used to this annual dropping-off in my game, I haven’t. So when myself and the little guy, Halmchinkel Maladroit Analretentive, were out at Madame Fou-fou’s last week we came up with an idea. I think it’s excellent and I’m sure you will too. This year I’m going to take all them checks to the driving range, attach a pen to the end of my club and play through them, one by one. With a handicap like mine you can be sure that some of those checks will be invalidated. This, however, will be good for the bottom line. So don’t get too disappointed if you receive an envelope containing ripped pieces of starchy paper rather than the sum you were expecting. Just to be fair, I’m getting Arnold Palmer to sign my $8.5 million on a putting green somewhere in Santa Monica four inches from the cup. The full board will be there to watch and get his autograph afterwards.” As if this was not bad enough, says JJ, and it is, Iceberg’s personal assistant, Cutter Ensign, has introduced a whole series of algebraic formulas to make the process of bonus determination more account-friendly. These as you can imagine are fantastically complex. The calculation goes something like this. Every department is divided according to its contribution to pre-tax net revenues, and then compartmentalized according to its proximity to elevator shafts, its number of desks, and the ratio of how many cups of coffee to Dr Peppers it drinks during Asian trading hours. A department’s collective weight (with shoes on), is used to fine tune the process, and kicks-in a depreciation factor for the erosive effects on carpet-weave of the chief trader’s 300 pounds, and the number of times per hour the graduate trainees are sent out for burgers. This provides the initial “cut”, and determines which departments get zip. Departmental heads then rank staff on a score of one to 60.8, divide the result by the wind speed (in West Ridge, Iowa), square the result, examine individual wear and tear on computer keyboards penalizing heavy-finger users on a four-point scale, factor in vending-machine costs, lactation room overheads, overhead airline pollution, internal memo production costs, state skyscraper taxes, stock tips for the window cleaner (or natural light enhancement consultants, as they now wish to be called), write-offs for rogue traders, and finally add 100, subtract 101, divide by four, and multiply by two, amortize in a microwave for two minutes, then convert any distance-error from yards into millimetres, discounting the cashflow completely. The result is an amazingly accurate figure for an employee’s output accurate to four decimal places across the 325 trading days (before Christmas). It excludes occupational risk, breathing space constraints, and Whelk’s law of motion. Otherwise, it’s perfect. Though no one has yet seen the fruits of the new system, all of those who aren’t going to leave anyway, are every bit as concerned by Cutter Ensign’s so called equal and opposite initiative to slash costs “beyond the bone, taking out just enough marrow to keep the patient alive and able to write tickets,” as he was heard telling someone in the gents. The memo arrived last Friday. To all staff, including jj Ingersoll: It has come to my attention that expenses are too high based on our forecast profits of $997 million for the year. I have some ideas: 1 Telephones. I sometimes wish we could return to the days of two paper cups attached by a piece of string. Alas the cost of a piece of string from New York to Tokyo is even more expensive than present arrangements. But staff should restrict greetings to “Hi [shorter than hello], this is x at Black Knight.” Then say, “I hear the kids are alright. Listen I think we can do a bit of business for you.” 2 Decaff coffee is expensive. Can’t you just drink it at home and behave like a normal person at work? 3 It is, of course, permissible to use a cellular phone in cases of family tragedy, but just to phone up and say Hi, I’m alive, how’s your day been honey, is completely unnecessary. Our phone operator has been instructed to disconnect any call where the words “honey”, “baby”, “darlin” or “squidgy” occur. 4 Fax machines. Surely there must be a more cost-efficient way of dealing with clients? I suggest the Internet, and I have just employed a consultant on a $6 million retainer to show us how. 5 Expense claims are sloppy and often lacking in justification. Bribing Italian as I saw on one recent claim is hardly acceptable. For tax purposes we need to know which Italian. 6 My next memo will offer suggestions on how to make business travel more efficient. For example, if we all took our family holidays at airport Sheratons we’d get fantastically competitive block deals. The food is much better in airports than it used to be, so have a think about it. |
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