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"Yeah! [name of bank] Fuck, yeah!"

This banker’s pitch is long on enthusiasm but short on detail

"This seamless shit is shit"

Just as we were starting to drink the Kool-aid on cross-selling between wealth management and investment banking, this M&A banker put us straight with a shot of the truth 

Banker: "We are top six in all investment banking league tables"

Euromoney: "Top six is an unusual claim How many are you top five?"

Banker: "I’m not sure that’s relevant"

A regional awards pitch in Singapore falters

 

 
 
ice cream


"It’s not like we had chocolate and turned it into vanilla. But we did add sprinkles. And the sprinkles were key to people deciding to buy the ice cream"

Adapting deals to market conditions has been one of the themes of the markets so far in 2016, according to this capital markets chief

 

"People used to join Goldman to get rich. Now they join to get sort of rich"

This rival investment bank chief still seems to suggest you get paid more at Goldman than at his firm

"If the CEO says you won’t need any more capital, that should tell shareholders or the board they don’t need the CEO. You have to couch it with the words 'Based on what we see today’"

Advice from the CEO of one of the world’s biggest global banks to peers tempted to take too firm a line on future capital raisings

"We think of the world as one. We take a truly global approach. We as a team share the entire globe and each of our bankers has a global mindset"

We had to ask this investment banker: could your bank be any more global?

"We are not a dog with one leg"

Thank you to this markets banker who chose a different way to present the diverse nature of his business 

"So, you’re here to talk about awards. Well I’ll give you my best advice. Clearly we’re not going to win anything. It just hasn’t been our year"

This CEO seems so refreshingly honest after the PR person’s pep talk on what a great year his firm has had

"We’re the clear leader and dominate the field. If we keep up our recent momentum, we might even catch Goldman Sachs one day"

We admire this business head’s sheer enthusiasm, but he might want to get a dictionary and look up what leadership actually means

"Corporate social responsibility. What is that? Can’t people just go to work and try and earn money anymore, and then simply go home at the end of the day? Do we have to have a policy on that?" 

This CEO looks over at his PR adviser and asks: "You’re going to make me have a policy on that, aren’t you?"

"Our competitors literally evaporated this year"

A keen Hong Kong transaction services banker gets all metaphysical

"It’s like a swimming race where you’re not allowed to get wet"

A Singapore-based FX banker on trying to cope with onerous compliance burdens and still grow business

"Being XXXX’s client is a pleasant experience for me since the bank’s specialists’ competence and agility pleasantly surprises me"

This client testimonial may have provided more information than we needed

"Among the awards conferred on the bank in 2015 were 'Grand Pearl of the Economy’"

We may have revised our awards categories this year, but here’s one that the editorial committee never considered

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"We unveiled a new line of banking payment cards available with perfumed flower fragrances. We estimate such banking payment cards will retain fragrances for one year"

Brings a whole new concept to expiry dates for credit cards, doesn’t it?