Suddenly I have the sensation of surfing. How energetic! Pixels of spray gently splash on my face, a sweet vibration rings in my ears. JJ tells me to duck and prepare to enter the tube. If I can just stay on my mouse!
I do and we arrive. The place is the worldwide bank-chit-chat page [www.comm.globspeak], an exclusive club where you need half a million airmiles to get invited. JJ says he spends most of his day browsing through it, and I ask whether this is why he hasn't left the office for two weeks and seems to be completely out of touch with the staff. His hand is shaking from a repetitive-clicking disorder.
Never mind that he says, as his hand reverts to the more familiar twanging of his braces. He types in the words GUARANTEED BONUS, and pulls out all the e-mail conversations on the subject. He puts his sunglasses on. "We're going in," says JJ as he waxes his mouse and the first message begins to flash. All I can do is watch and read, mesmerized by the unlimited opportunities of this sort of fax-machine that travels in cyberspace.
Date: 4.6.96
From: Aad Jacoops, To: my friends at the global club. "We at ClogBank, the premier name in clog trade finance, and owner of Boring Bank, are increasingly aware that the global marketplace is not quite as friendly as the clog market, where honourable men hollow functional footware from wood, and decorate it with pretty patterns. No, it has come to our attention that if we ignore the savage jungle - beginning in the darkest regions of Bishopsgate and ending at Moorgate - we are no different to little boys putting our fingers in dykes. So we will do as Romans do, since we are in London. That is, we will not pay our bondholders, but pay our staff lots instead. My colleague, Hessel Heliumberg would like to have a word too."
4.6.96
From: Heliumberg, chief exec. "I would like to add how pleased we are with the retention rate of staff at Boring Bank, an interesting British concern, which we bought out of a particular interest in its emerging market teams, especially in Latin America. Any suspicions we might have had as to their being flippant, money-oriented job-hoppers were quickly appeased when Sir Peter allowed myself and Aad to clean his car, a Rolls-Royce Silver Devil. Nearly a year and a half on from the acquisition we think we have won the trust and respect of all the staff - they are even recommending us to their tailors. So great is our confidence, that as of today we are unfastening all the golden handcuffs which we now feel are an insult to the integrity and loyalty of our British staff." Ends.
6.6.96
From Heliumberg, To: Hilmar Koppout and Michael Dobbo, chief cheque-signers, Die Lebensraum Bank. "May I take this opportunity to formally point out that we, not you, paid £1
for Boring Bank and in order for us to realize a return on this equity it would be helpful if you stopped asking all our staff to join you. Please be aware that in spite of Aad Jacoops' comment about being Romans, he only meant this in relation to us employing other people's staff, and not of course your taking 44 of ours in Mexico, Chile, Brazil and New York. If you poach any more clogs you will force me to pick up my telephone and speak to the large pink newspaper."
7.6.96
From Michael Dobbo. "We are an ambitious bank which pays bonuses big enough to buy hospital wings, in convertible currency and guarantees them for three years. I see nothing wrong with that, nor would you if you had hidden reserves like ours. It's cheaper than buying Lameman Brothers. Do stop whingeing."
7.6.96
From Edson von Mitchell. "Some people misunderstand my hiring policy. When I tell someone to think of a number, double it, and then multiply it by a million guaranteed over three years that is only a sign that the moment of global domination quickly approaches."
8.6.96
From: Dan Sully, chief guy, Marvel Lynch. "When we lost 500 people to one firm which shall remain nameless, we took it on the chin like Joe di Maggio - like the sluggers we are, simply bouncing and swaying, we came off the ropes, and started the next round. Ding Ding. We ignored every bigshot exit - we let 'em all go. Because even if everyone left, leaving only me at this great firm, single-handledly managing myself, dealing in 9,800 countries - on my own - I know we'd still have client focus coming out our collective ass..."
8.6.96
From Rudi Miller-Lite, Union Bank of Ebner. "When I started in this business, I was so happy to work for UBE that I asked my father to pay the bank to allow me to work there. Money well spent, I think. But clearly this sort of thing does not happen anymore. It is not uncommon these days for staff to even change jobs, although I cannot see why anyone should want to. But I began to get very concerned when I heard that some traders are even paid bonuses these days. The other night all of this really hit home when I was at a dinner party with a young doctor. He was working 400 hours a week, earned less than $50,000 and was not even allowed to keep any airmiles because of course he does not travel.
"I asked one of the Harley Street medical specialists sitting opposite me how it was possible that an industry that saves lives could be paid so badly, and he said yes it's true, he only earned $2.5 million a year at his liposuction practice. Whereupon I commented how some of my colleagues earn four times that, and something must be wrong with the world. Maybe we should selectively hang, draw and quarter people who earn bonuses but are unable to perform basic surgery? This might scare a few employees into thinking twice about their worth and how this industry has slowly but surely lost touch with reality."
9.6.96
From: JJ Ingersoll, Black Knight. "I don't think we're going far enough. Employees need further incentives, but maybe not just cash, because that makes it too easy for them to go. I suggest all employees get a personal jet and helicopter, both of which can be confiscated if they leave. This would solve the remuneration question for good."
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